The Connoisseur, as will other Deniers we’ve examined, has an interesting contrast. She is extremely picky, and also has a very practical and cautious approach to dating. This may seem like a challenge to most guys. Any difficulty posed by the Connoisseur is outweighed by her susceptibility to see your sex as a reward for her non-sexual effort.
Like the other Denier-Realist, she is a giver. She sees her time with you as a gift that she can’t just give away to anyone. You must be special, because as a Denier, sex is special (to a Justifier, sex is fun). But, in contrast to the Private Dancer (TDR), she is inclined to invest in her relationship with you. A Tester will hold back and protect her emotions. An iNvestor will dive in and contribute heavily in the relationship, emotionally and otherwise.
This is great if you want her to be your girlfriend. She will be devoted, caring, and make real contributions to your life. While some woman are great in bed, but prove incompetent at other basic tasks (like following driving directions, cooking a meal, or operating a computer), the Connoisseur is capable, competent, and is a damn fine chef (or at least has the potential to be).
The challenge is that once she lets you get close and she begins sleeping with you, she is likely to get very attached. This is common in both iNvestor-Denier types. The good news is that her Realist side understands that getting too clingy will likely push you away. She doesn’t fool herself when it comes to men – she knows that a man needs freedom, and if she can keep her desire to attach herself to you within reasonable control, you will see her value in short time.
She doesn’t like to chase a man. She wants to be pursued and swept off her feet (N+D). Because she is a Denier, this can be done sexually, as sex is sacred and carries emotional weight. So when you sleep with the Connoisseur, she will feel much closer to you.
This brings me to why she is so susceptible to the dynamic of earning sex from you. Sex equates to emotional connection. And that’s what she’s after. As a Realist and iNvestor, she is inclined to work, to contribute, to invest in very practical, concrete ways. This translates to you never having to work for sex or try to seduce her. She seduces herself.
An example to illustrate:
She cooks you a great meal. You clean your plate, tell her how good the food was, and proceed to kiss her neck. You give her little body a workout, and hold her after, telling her how she treats you so good. Your sex was her reward for being a good woman.
You were out of town on business. Before you board the plane to come home, you call her to say that you had a long weekend, and you need her to come over and relax with you because you miss her energy. Notice the phrase “need her.” This is what motivates her. She sits behind you and rubs your back while you watch Sportscenter. You lay back and she begins rubbing your chest. You tell her how good she is at touching you. She gives you a slow, loving blowjob, and you fuck her like you haven’t seen her in years. She earned it.
Her ideal man is one that needs her. She needs a man she can help, nurture, and even save. It’s not for him, it’s for her. She needs to do this. This means it’s absolutely crucial that she not only feel needed, but also appreciated. You don’t have to do a ton of “stuff” for her. Little gestures are nice, but more than anything, she needs to hear the words: “You are so good to me,” “I miss you,” “You are the most caring woman I’ve ever met.”
It can be easy to take advantage of this woman. She may appear flexible. She probably won’t speak up if she is upset about you seeing other women. She will try to tell herself that one day you will choose to only be with her. But don’t think for a second that it doesn’t hurt her when she spends her evening making you feel good, and then you don’t call her the next day.
Don’t get me wrong – she loves to take care of you. But this makes her vulnerable to the pain of not having it reciprocated. This does NOT mean she needs you to be her boyfriend or commit exclusively to her. Labels and obligations don’t motivate Realists. She just needs to know that you appreciate her, you won’t abandon her, and you are thinking about her.
Calling her your girlfriend is not a substitute for these things.
As long as she can be the nurturing, helpful woman she wants to be, around you, and you appreciate her for it, she will be OK with keeping things casual and open. Obviously she will be overjoyed to be your only woman if that’s what you want.
How She Gets What She Wants
The Connoisseur looks for long-term potential. Not a boyfriend, per se, but a guy who is interested in her as a person, not just for sex. This ensures that you will be a part of her life after she sleeps with you. As a Denier, it’s that “sleeping with you” part that the crux of the situation. She has a Realistic perspective on men, so she knows that if she sleeps with you too fast, she will devalue herself in your eyes. This ruins the possibility of her gaining your devotion.
This is the type of woman most likely to cry after sex, because it is a very emotional ordeal for her. If you frame sex as being something you get from her, she will feel that she has lost her power. If you frame sex as something you give to her because she has earned it, you will side-step her fear of appearing cheap and easy.
Sex itself is an investment, as is all the time she spends with you. She feels vulnerable sexually. You must build her sexual confidence so that she feels like she has some power, not like a helpless victim. If you can get her to initiate sex, and do things to turn you on, she will begin to feel empowered. But don’t forget that she sees the relationship through an iNvestor’s eyes. Everything she does, even it is to seduce you, is an investment she can’t take back.
Counteracting her emotional sensitivity is the fact that she has a career, works hard, and is likely financially independent. She doesn’t look to men to support her. She can do that herself. She wants ONE MAN who appreciates her. At the same time, she understands that we are not in the 1950’s anymore, and most relationships start out casual and light. She is probably cool with keeping things open, although she may be uncomfortable with this at first. Essentially this woman performs a balancing act between iNvestor-Denier, and Realist.
Applied Technique (using 3-Function Analysis)
A direct, sincere compliment is a great way to approach the Connoisseur. She wants to know that you are focused on her and that you picked her specifically. If you say something too sexual, she will think you are a player, out to get laid (she’s a Denier, and most Deniers have a cynical view of men’s sexual intentions).
Get as specific as you can – look for something she is wearing, or something she clearly put thought into when she got ready for the night. If you are approaching her on the street or a café, tell her you couldn’t take your eyes off her as soon as you noticed her. But then quickly move to less romantic conversation before she gets uncomfortable with the sexual tension.
This woman has goals, and is proud of the fact that she can support herself, or is going to school for a career she is passionate about. Ask her about this, and share your own passions. Talking about work and school is not boring to a Realist, as long as you focus on how she thinks and share how you think. This is what an iNvestor looks for – she wants to get to know you, and she wants you to get to know her. That way she can decide if there’s a future for the two of you.This is pretty straightforward.
DO something physical together, where you are on the same team or share a mutual goal. This is a good way to get physical without being too sexual (Denier). It also conveys long-term potential because you make a good team (iNvestor). And, as a Realist, doing actual concrete activities (versus exploring ideas and roleplaying) fits with her worldview of how relationships should be. More on this in the “Touch” subsection.
Another great way to connect with the Connoisseur is by talking about how the two of you can contribute to each other’s lives. For example, if you read a book about sales, and she is involved in marketing, tell her what you learned. If she has an area of expertise you find interesting, have her teach you what she knows.
The interaction may feel a little platonic at times during the first couple conversations, but as long as you were direct about being attracted to her at first, she will perceive as leading towards a romantic outcome.
Be patient, but once you get her alone, don’t miss any opportunities to take things to the next level.
Strong eye contact is necessary with iNvestors. But don’t be too flirty with Deniers. Look into her eyes when you talk, and when she talks, look into hers. She is probably laid back – not a high-energy party girl. The Connoisseur is often intelligent and creative – an artistic type. She may feel like she is an outsider, or not quite like everyone else. She will be less inclined to let go and be silly.
Adapt to this by having very relaxed and unassuming body language. You are interested in her, but there is no pressure. As you get to know her she’ll feel invested. There’s no need to rush. No fancy moves, or overly confident posturing. If she sense you are acting through a persona, she will rule out the possibility of an authentic bond, and thus any further contact with you.
Keep the touching light and situational. As always, be protective. But don’t linger. Use your touch for practical reasons. Touching her just because you like to touch her is way too sexual in nature.
Brushing a piece of lint off her shirt, taking her coat off for her, pulling her close when people pass by, and holding her hand to move to another area are all fine. But again, DON’T LINGER. The main mistake guys make with this type of woman is LOOKING at their hand when touching her. Do not do this. She will immediately see you as trying to get sneak a touch in.
At first, the sex should be slow, tender, and connected. Look into her eyes, hold her body to show her how precious she is to you, and tell her how sexy she is. She needs to have her sexual identity affirmed.
Give her lots of opportunities to please you. She’s probably more comfortable giving than receiving. Make sure you are very responsive, and also guide her. This is a huge turn-on for the Connoisseur – to be coached and told how to please you. Don’t do anything kinky at first. Get the basics down – find your rhythm. Show her how to please you. Find out how she likes to be fucked – what stroke feels the best.
You’ll want to push her limits sexually. She will feel more invested as she lets you insider her (literally and figuratively). The best way to do this is to teach her to do more adventurous things to please you. She’s happy to do it. But always be sure to appreciate her, and reciprocate to the degree she’ll let you.
The sex gets much better over time, so a key to navigating this type is to make sure you actually like her as a person and want her in your life. If you can’t do that, there’s really no motivation for her to invest in you, and she’ll only end up getting hurt.
This type of woman is a great partner for a man who loves a sensitive, feminine woman that thrives on love and appreciation. I definitely have a soft spot for the Connoisseur.