You’re the VIP
The key to exacting devotion in a woman is to always maintain the dynamic that you are the most important person in the relationship. If she’s chasing you, she can’t chase other men, so leave no room for her to think of them. This is easy – don’t think about her more than she thinks about you.
Create the dynamic where she is busy thinking about you a lot. This means you CAN’T make her the most important person in your relationship, because then she will think she’s “done” seducing you, and can move to another challenge (and women LOVE challenges). Instead, keep her mind occupied with winning you over.
This means never being “won over” until you are ready to settle down and start a family. Even then, she must earn you attention and affection.
Think about why we elect officials to government office: we believe they will lead our community in the right direction. You do the same in a relationship with a woman – you are the leader. This is the foundation of dominance. You must have goals, hobbies, values, and rules you live by. Be clear on who you are.
Each type is looking for different things, but don’t change – if you are self-directed, you can fulfill every woman’s basic need for leadership, or dominance. But be conscious of which aspects of your personality you
emphasize. This is basically conversational topic choice – calibrate by relating to her the values you both share. Each type has her own preference for how a man expresses his vision.
Leverage a woman’s inclination to contribute, through supporting you. Ask for her help with everything you can think of, including massages, back scratches, bringing you sentimental gifts from her vacation, and introducing you to her friends. All these examples keep her mind, and thus emotions, occupied with you. Get her to tell you her biggest fears and past embarrassments. Have her cook for you.
The more she invests, emotionally and physically, the more she is bound to you. The more she is bound to you, the more she’ll do for you. The more she does for you, the more invested, thus bound she is to you, and so on. Also, the busier she is contributing to you, the less time and energy she has for other men. Each type has a unique identity, which determines how she wants to contribute. When you understand how she wants to contribute – what she values in herself – you can leverage this to exact a high degree of investment.
Never be sold. As soon as YOU are devoted, she won’t be. The cultural myth is that when a man devotes himself to a woman, she will be nice and reciprocate. The true nature of humanity is that when you devote yourself to someone, they are then free to gain someone else’s devotion – as if you are checked off a psychological list. Devotion is perpetual service, mental and physical.
The key to applying the principle of perpetual potential is to find the balance between bonding without succumbing to a woman’s attempts to lock you down into monogamy before you are ready. And even when you decide to be with one woman exclusively, you must still keep the dynamic of potentiality.
Always convey that although you like her and are happy with her, she must still contribute and keep you excited. This is really easy when you are able to meet women at will – in the back of your mind, and hers, is the possibility that you can meet someone else if you are no longer satisfied. The same is true in reverse, but like I said, you must not concern yourself with her leaving you, because you are the most important person in the relationship.
The Playette (TDI)
The Playette is intrigued by creative, mysterious men. She herself is quite mysterious, due to her reserved demeanor. She keeps her thoughts and emotions closely protected. When she meets a man who has depth but doesn’t wear it on his sleeve, she becomes the chaser. This is the key to flipping the script with the Playette – beat her at her own game.
Convey that you have a lot of unique interests and knowledge, a little bit at a time. Talk passionately about your interests. The more personal and substantial each interest, the less you talk about it. For example, let’s say you like to collect old D.C. comics. Show her your collection, and joke about what a dork you. But let’s also say that you plan on starting your own comic, and you are currently sketching it out and working on the story line. Mention this subtly, and make her ask to see your work. Show her reluctantly, saying little, but with your eyes, convey how important this project is to you.
Get a lot of investment from the Playette right off the bat. It’s easy when you know what she wants to give. The Playette is an idealist, so rather than contributing in practical, physical ways, she prefers to contribute to the world of ideas with her energy and attitude. Tell her she inspires you, or relaxes you, or cheers you up when she’s around. Tell her you want her to come over and hang out.
Use her as a muse, or a source of therapy – have her massage you or pick out some dvd’s to watch together. Tell her you want to watch something funny that will cheer you up after a long day. These are easy ways to get the Playette in the habit of investing in you. Obviously her most substantial investment is sex, and this is the easiest way to make her comfortable sleeping with you because it makes her feel like the chaser, instead of the chased.
The Playette will assume that when she sleeps with you, she is officially your girlfriend. This is no bueno if you expect to have any sort of leverage. If you go along with this expectation, you are letting her set the terms. A woman’s terms are not your terms, because you are not a woman. Remember that – stay true to yourself no matter what kind of nasty things women call you (“player, cheater, dog, asshole etc”).
The easy way to avoid this is by playing the Playette’s game better than she does. She is a Playette because she perceives herself to have been a romantic victim in her past – she dates multiple guys, stringing them along without getting too attached, sexually or emotionally. She does this to protect herself. So if you convey that you are not ready to get serious because you have been hurt, she will understand. Not only will she understand, she will then become the one trying to “save” you, and overcome your walls. This flips the script and keeps her in the chasing position.
The Social Butterfly (TJI)
The SB values sociability above all else. Are you seeing a pattern here? The key to being the VIP is to take on the woman’s role and be better at what she values than she is! In the case of the SB, it may be difficult to be more social and connected than she is. However, if you can at least convey that you are socially competent, and you can charm people effortlessly, you will garner her respect. The SB is the girl who likes to talk about all the promoters, DJ’s, bouncers, and owners that she knows. Don’t be intimidated when she does this, and don’t try to compete.
Ultimately, none of these people really care that much about her – they just pretend to be her friend because she is pretty, and in the nightlife game, pretty girls are currency. She intuitively knows this, so when she brags about her connections, she’ll actually respect you less if you sound impressed. Instead, talk about genuine, interesting interactions you have had recently. Talk about your relationships with your friends. This is her weak point – genuine close relationships. Yet she knows that these relationships are more valuable than a bunch of social acquaintances that can get her into a club or whatever.
We’ll leverage the SB’s ideal self-image to get her in the habit of doing stuff for you. Have her use her social connections to get you into clubs, invited to parties, and obtain social and professional contacts. Appreciate her sociability and mention how easy it is for her to meet people. Tell her you admire how charming she is – how everyone seems to naturally like her and gravitate towards her. A few minutes later, mention how you are looking to do more DJ gigs since you’ve been working on your skills. She’ll probably jump at the chance to hook you up with some bar owner she knows.
Sex isn’t much of an investment for her. You can still use sex to create the VIP dynamic by timing when you show your sexual interest. Make your move after she had done something for you. This gives meaning to sex, and will gradually become something she values hightly. It’s simple classical conditioning.
It’s not likely that she will be overly concerned with the long-term direction of your relationship, at first. But as you build up her level of investment, and demonstrate your character to embody that which she values and admires, you will become very important to her. When she seems to finally begin to take your relationship seriously, don’t jump the gun.
She likely has a ton of guys orbiting her, trying to be her boyfriend. Don’t lump yourself in with the rest of them. Be the exception – the guy she is chasing. Don’t worry about losing her – the SB loves to chase. It turns her on. Keep her in perpetual limbo in terms of how much you like her. Always reward after she does something, and keep demonstrating your ability to make real connections. This will keep her in the chasing role, which turns her on, and motivates her to chase even more.
The Hopeful Romantic (NDI)
The HR has romantic aspirations, not just in her love life, but in general. Pace these lofty visions by talking about your own fantastic goals. Roleplay scenarios of you and she living the good life. Roleplay fantasy scenarios – you’re the king, and she’s your favorite concubine so you make her your queen. You and she are like Bonnie and Clyde, living on the run, making your own rules. But always convey a passion for your direction in life, and talk about bringing her with you.
The HR doesn’t necessarily care about money or materialistic achievement. She values ethics and creativity. SO whatever your goals are, make sure you emphasize the morality of what you want to achieve, and the way your goals are unique. For example, if you want to be a business-owner, talk about how unique your business will be, and how you will use your profits to become a philanthropist. This will, literally, make her wet for you.
The HR is already an iNvestor, but that means she is cautious about where she puts her time and attention. On the other hand, if you know how to trigger her desire to invest in you, she’ll do it on her own, without much effort on your part.
The easiest way to get an HR to invest in you is by getting her to contribute in a fun, silly way. Remember, she is an idealist. If it makes too much practical sense, she will get bored and lose motivation. Have her bring some random groceries over, and see what you can make together. Have her paint a picture of her favorite place for apartment. Tell her to wear her hair in a crazy way if she’s coming over late at night. She’ll ask why – tell her you want to see what she looks like naked with a different hairstyle.
The HR will be thinking about your long-term potential already, so in this case, you don’t need to get her to think that way. Instead, focus on not screwing up and making her cut her losses. It’s likely that she will assume you want to be her boyfriend right away, just because you approached her. Keep a very strong “screening frame.” Push her to the limit of what she can contribute, to earn your devotion. And maintain this dynamic.
The challenge will be when she gets emotional and starts crying or gets angry and tells you that she is not “on call” for you, or that she’s not your back-up girl. Again, you will beat her at her own game by flipping the script and acting insulted. Tell her that you can’t believe she thinks she’s just a “side thing” to you, when, in your mind she is the most important woman in your life besides your mother. But you don’t want to rush into anything, and her flipping out right now is the reason why you don’t want to rush. She is already acting too crazy and scaring you away. Encourage her to let things happen, and to trust that you truly care about her and would never try to hurt her, because you want her in your life. Just avoid labels, always.
The Cinderella (NJI)
The Cinderella is looking for a guy that puts his own goals over any relationship he has with a woman. This is due to her Justifier aspect. She devalues sex and relationships, despite her deeper need to bond with a strong man for the long term. She lies to herself a lot, so you can leverage this if you know why she’s lying. Like the Denier, she’s trying to protect herself, but instead of avoiding, she indulges her impulses and then justifies her actions.
Emphasize your goals, but leave her out of the picture. Let her put herself into the picture of your future. Let her chase you on your path to success.
The Cinderella will invest as long as it’s not about earning sex from you. Instead, find out what her talents are, and encourage her to use her talents to help you in your life. This is a fool-proof strategy, as she already wants to contribute, i.e. invest, as long as the feels that she is contributing non-sexually.
The Cinderella is trying to invest in you from the very start. Just create opportunities for her. Avoid being too sexual – instead find out what she likes about herself, what she’s good at, where she wants to go in life. Then mirror that. If she thinks she is very sharp and skeptical, convey that side of yourself. If she thinks she is good at talking to people, either learn from her, or convey your own charming ability. Find out her goals, and then relate your own goals, emphasizing the aspects that are similar.
The Cinderella is always hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. She’s probably been hurt before but she’s not going to give up. What she’s looking for is a man with a vision that she can latch onto, and support. Whatever it is you are going to do, make sure you imply, and only imply, that she can play a part.
At this point I’m going to warn you – if you get too much investment, and too much promise of a potential long-term bond, you will have a very devoted woman on your hands. This can translate to a mess, unless you manage it properly. In other words, a Cinderella won’t have an issue devoting herself to you but she will have an issue if she senses that you are only using her for sex. Remember the Justifier aspect – never overvalue sex with this woman. Enjoy sex with her, but always justify your interests as being a reward for her imaginative offerings.
The Private Dancer (TDR)
The PD has a somewhat serious demeanor. She expects her man to be serious too – not necessarily that you don’t have a sense of humor, but that you are serious about your life. She’s a Realist, and is very exclusive with whom she spends her time. She has high standards for the man she’ll “dance” for.
Make sure that you clearly express your goals to her, and make sure that you emphasize the actual steps you will take to achieve them. Make it sound practical. As opposed to the Idealist, who responds to imagination and lofty aspirations, the Realist, especial a Denier-Realist, wants to know that you are really doing it, right now. Give her updates on steps you are taking.
The PD sees any time she spends with you as an investment, not because she’s an iNvestor, but because she doesn’t normally spend a lot of time with men, romantically. In her case, it’s because she’s a Tester that any long periods of time, or contributive efforts she makes have more meaning.
It may be hard to get compliance at first with the PD. The key is to make her feel your passion for life – show her your ambition. Talk about your goals, the steps you are taking, and give her a task to help you. If she seems reluctant, beat her at her own game. Imply that you only include people in your life that make you a better a person and are supportive of your goals. Don’t bring this up too much – mention it during the course of a conversation. She will take note because this is how she thinks as well.
Once she feels a strong connection to you, she will be very loyal. The Tester- Denier combination makes her relatively more guarded than other types, so you won’t have to manage her emotional attachment much. She’s typically pretty exclusive in terms of dating men, so if she’s seeing you, she’s probably not seeing other guys.
This is good news because she will be exclusive with you, but won’t put a label on your relationship, and won’t pressure you to be exclusive yourself. She is nervous about committing as much as you are – in fact, a lot of guys are Tester-Realists. The bad news is that if she senses that you are not serious about being successful in life, she will cut her losses fast.
The Seductress (TJR)
The Seductress isn’t as interested in your goals, as much as your passion itself. Often the Seductress is older and already successful herself. Even if she is younger than you, she is probably an achiever and Type A personality. She isn’t impressed by a man’s monetary value. She wants a boy-toy.
However, she is still a woman, so a basic level of Vision is crucial to garnering her respect. Notice that I bring up the concept of respect a lot. In my personal life, I no longer think about attraction. I think about respect. I assume that any woman who talks to me will find me attractive – I am in good shape, well- groomed, happy with myself, and I’m sociable. If she doesn’t like me, it’s probably for reasons I can’t control. However, no matter what she thinks of me, she will respect me, and not see me as a push-over or a needy chump.
The Seductress is a strong, driven woman that needs to get her physical needs filled on the side. You can leverage this by demonstrating your passion, which she will find cute and exciting. She enjoys seeing you succeed. She gets turned on by raising your mojo for life. Talk about your goals after giving her a great sexual experience.
As you lay there naked together, mention that you are looking to change jobs. You want to work somewhere with more opportunities for advancement, but you need to tighten up your resume. She will offer to help you with that. And she will follow through. In fact, she will probably remind you that you need to tighten up your resume. Don’t let her down.
The combination of Tester-Realist means that any compliance she gives you will be perceived as a big deal, because she doesn’t normally invest in men, relationship-wise. The fact that she is a Justifier makes any compliance all the more substantial, because she values non-sexual elements of your relationship much more highly than the sex itself.
This may be hard to grasp so I’ll clarify further. Sex is the main reason she spends time with you, but it’s not a big deal. You are not a big deal, at least at first. She sees sex as par for the course. If, for some reason, you want to keep this woman devoted to you, you’ll have to get more than sex from her. Any financial contribution or practical help she gives you is going to be perceived as more than what she’s used to giving men.
Most men don’t even ask because they only interested in sex with this woman. When you are the exception, she will respect you. Just make sure you keep satisfying her in bed, and she will be happy to contribute to your Vision.
The Connoisseur (NDR)
The Connoisseur is very much like the Private Dancer, except that she doesn’t have her guard up as much. She wants to contribute to a man’s life, once she becomes involved with him. For her it’s all or nothing. If she’s dating you, she expects you to be on your path.
What turns the Connoisseur on is a man with a unique set of goals – a path that is different from the pack. It’s not the novelty itself that appeals to her – it’s just that she’s not that impressed by most men. She has very high standards, which you may or may not meet. The key is to side-step her standards by having a unique direction in life that prevents her from comparing you to other men.
To illustrate with an example, I dated a woman whose ex-boyfriend was a writer – a very accomplished one. I do a lot of writing for Dicarlo Coaching, but I don’t have novels in bookstores like he did. So instead of emphasizing the writing aspect of this job, I focused on the teaching aspect, and told a lot of stories about how I had helped guys in live training programs. She had no precedence for this, and so was quite impressed.
Keep in mind, this was when I first started doing this job, right out of college, and she was a few years older than me. At the time, I intuitively knew she would be comparing me to men from her past, and I somehow had to differentiate myself from them.
The Connoisseur will take the lead in investing in you if you are dating her. She is a Realist, and an iNvestor, so she will be looking for practical ways to contribute to your life. The challenge is in getting over the initial hump of her taking you seriously, due to her Denier element. Side-step this issue by getting compliance right away.
Again, you are going to leverage her own personality to get her in the habit of doing things for you. Entice her to show off her cooking skills, or have her pick a restaurant she likes that you have never been to. Have her pick you up on the first date. Take her on a picnic but have her bring a bottle of wine, some cheese, and chicken salad. She’s probably not used to a guy asking for compliance –find out what she is good at or interested in, and use that to garner compliance right away.
She will see her efforts to contribute as an investment in the relationship. It’s not so much that she is working to earn your devotion, as she is cultivating the relationship like a garden. Focus on this when you shape her to be loyal to you. Talk about your relationship, and how unique and special it is because of what she brings to the table.
Again, notice how you are flipping the script. This is her game. She is initially screening you and comparing you to men from her past. Side-step right away by emphasizing your unique values and goals, garnering practical compliance on the first couple dates, and then flip the script by qualifying her on how she is different from other woman. What makes her different is what makes your relationship special and worth nurturing. This satisfies her core need for a bond with you; just make sure you leave out labels, and you will have leverage with the terms of your relationship.
The Modern Woman (NJR)
The MW has pretty realistic standards for the men she dates. She’s not so much concerned with monetary or materialistic achievement. She is attracted to a man with ambition and a clear value map. She understands that it’s not easy to make it in this world – especially with the way the economy is, and how saturated every market has become.
Ultimately what will garner a MW’s respect is your respect for yourself. Even if you are living at home with your parents, make sure you emphasize your values, and your desire to achieve your goals. In conversation, emphasize the morality in your decision-making processes when telling a story. Tell her how you want to help the world be a better place, using your particular skills and interests.
The MW likely has her own dreams and set of values. The key to garnering her investment is to find common ground. Where do your paths cross? She doesn’t need a man to feel fulfilled. After all, she is modern – she has adapted to the times and likes to feel like she can make it on her own.
However, she is still a woman. The key her is compromise. Don’t expect her to devote her life to you, but don’t neglect her need to contribute to your life for the purpose of strengthening your bond. The MW lives in the happy middle. She’d love to cook for you, help you make career connections, please you in bed – whatever you desire. Just make sure that she respects you by conveying your vision throughout the course of your relationship. She will want to do things for you if she sees that you are ethical and ambitious.
At some point, the MW will expect you to be monogamous, but her expectations are also very realistic. She has a high self-esteem, and won’t devote herself to a man who doesn’t seem to value her. At the same time, she knows that in modern times, men like to explore their options and take their time when getting involved in a relationship.
Really consider the MW for the long-term. It may be tough to give up all the other girls, but this may be the one you don’t want to lose. But she is not going to hang around forever while you sow your wild oats. She respects herself and knows she can get another man if she puts herself out there. Her devotion reflects your devotion. This is the one woman you can’t really play games with, so if you get involved with her, you’ll have to decide how far you want to go emotionally. But trust that if you treat her with respect and follow your path, she will be very loyal and supportive.
Remember that this guide is a map to get you started. Become more process- oriented in your approach with women. Instead of trying to conquer each woman, explore her and appreciate her. Enjoy the process of getting to know each woman individually.
Exploration is the real goal, because it leads to understanding. When you understand women better, you will love them more, and it is that love that fuels your success with them. The more loving you are with women, the more the will respond to you and value your attention and time. When a woman cherishes the moments she has with you, because she feels loved when she is with you, she will be loyal always.