The biggest mistake men make when it comes to dating is that they either have a counter-productive focus, or lack focus altogether. When it comes
to going on dates with women, most men fall apart. The hours, and even days leading up to the date, are marked with anxiety and over-strategizing. I don’t remember the first time I asked a woman on a date, but I remember that it was a nerve-wracking ordeal, and stayed that way for a long time. Just the thought of that moment when I’d have to cut the small talk and actually ask a girl to hang out with me was terrifying. What if she said no?
Things are very different for me now. Setting up a “dates” is almost second nature. It’s what I do. The whole game of meeting women, dating, sex, relationships, is all about two people coming together, getting to know each other more intimately over time. The bond between a man and a woman in a sexual relationship is unique and special. Unfortunately, most men don’t treat it as such. When you adopt the mindset of sharing your time with women, and sharing experiences together as friends, everything becomes much easier.
This may sound counterintuitive – being friends with a woman that you want to sleep with. But you’ll find, with experience, that actually intending on getting to know a woman, and having fun together outside the bedroom, will make her much more interested in being intimate with you.
I have a rule when it comes to sleeping with women. Don’t rush. This may also sound counterintuitive because it is. It took me some time to really work out this concept in my own mind. I move and talk slow, take my time, and don’t put pressure on women, or myself, to have sex. At the same time, I don’t miss opportunities to escalate, if I want to. Often, a woman will want me to make a move (it will be very obvious), but for whatever reason, I may not feel like it. But if I am turned on by a woman, and I sense she is ready to go to the next level, I don’t hesitate.
Which brings me back to focus. The rest of this guide is based on two presumptions. First, you don’t intend on hurting women. If your intention is purely sexual, that’s fine, because women want sex too. But if you’re intention is to use sex as a way of hurting women then this guide won’t work very well for you; you’re intention won’t match the techniques laid out. Second, you aren’t concerned with impressing women on your dates. If you are distracted by approval-seeking thoughts, you won’t be able use this information effectively.
It was the fear of rejection, or disapproval that made me so nervous when I was younger. Worrying about whether or not a woman likes you is THE problem when it comes to being good with women. This is what I mean by a counter-productive focus. By focusing on making a woman like you, you increase the chance that she’ll like you, because approval-seeking behavior is universally repulsive. Women are extremely perceptive when it comes to gauging how you think, and what you are paying attention to. In fact, that’s what it’s all about – you attract (or repulse) women, by how you think.
Keep that in mind as you read this guide. Everything laid out is meant to convey to women that you think differently than the average guy because you are interested in a mutually beneficial experience. You want to have fun with her, get to know her, relax with her and show her that she is safe with you.
This guide first details how each Line in Pandora’s Box affects your dating strategy. The second section of this guide is organized by each type, providing an overview of key concepts and examples of application. And it’s worth repeating that moving forward, your mindset for dating women is to become friends. Consider what that means if sex is included in this intention.
It’s important to note here that the definition of “date” can mean simply hanging out with a woman. Using this definition, if you go to the store with a woman you have been sleeping with, that would be a “date.” However, I’m sure you wouldn’t call that a date. Let’s say that, for the practical purposes of this guide, a date is an arranged meeting with a woman you have not slept with.
There are a few keys to successful dating that apply universally to all women. Here’s the rundown:
Keep it cheap, but don’t look cheap. There’s a direct correlation between how much money you spend and how long she makes you wait for sex. Don’t appear to be trying to impress her with money, or your expertise in wine (I remember telling one woman, “I don’t know shit about wine so you’re on your own there. I can tell you about beer though!”)
Always have a second venue/activity in case she needs more time to get comfortable with you. For some women, one “episode” with you isn’t enough for her to get comfortable enough to allow her arousal to manifest. Use your judgment and go to a second place before taking her to your place.
Get the woman back to your place (or wherever you can be alone) within two dates. You don’t necessarily have to sleep together, but the longer it takes, the bigger a deal it becomes. (We have other resources that discuss this in-depth, but if you and she have fun together, it shouldn’t take more than a simple invitation to bring her back to your place.)
If you don’t have your own place, I’m not gonna sugar coat this: work on that! Having roommates is fine, especially in expensive areas like NYC, but if you live with your parents and it would be inappropriate to bring a girl home, it’s time to move out, or get a car with a big back seat (and I’m only half-joking about that). Of course it’s possible to go to her place – this is the easy solution, but it’s an unreliable strategy.
The best ideas for dates come from the initial interaction, or when you follow up on the phone. If you can find an interest you both share, or she mentions an interest she has that you can turn into a date, go with it. This ensures it will fit her personality, and also, that you were really paying attention to her (very attractive to women).
Touch women in a protective, chivalrous way on dates. Women love this and use it as a gauge for the kind of man you are, and what you’ll be like in bed. Take her hand as you cross the street, open doors and guide her in by touching her lower back, take her coat, gently guide her with your hands as you walk or change directions.
The Time line is most relevant when deciding what activities you do with a woman on the first couple dates. Testers don’t like too much conversational intimacy right away, so a more physically engaging activity where the two of you are playing a game works best. Any event, including a sports game on TV, is fine.
As long as you can go through an experience that engages your emotions, without feeling pressure to talk to each other, you will have a great date with a Tester. You could go to a street festival, walk through a fun shopping district, or go to a bar and play pool. The key is to have fun, without any romantic pressure.
iNvestors prefer to converse so they can get to know the guy and find out if there is long-term potential. The best places to go are quiet, cozy places to sit, talk, and enjoy some a good drink or bite to eat. Remember to never try to impress the woman – this applies to the venue as well. Don’t go to the most expensive wine bar.
Pick a place that’s cozy – a cool dive bar or greasy spoon allows the two of you to be more authentic, and it also shows that you aren’t interested in buying your way into her pants. Pick a place that’s down to earth so that she feels it’s ok to let her guard down and be herself. When she feels that you like her for who she is, she will become very sexually receptive.
The Sex line determines how many dates or venues it will take before she will sleep with you. A Denier will likely want to wait as long as possible before getting physically intimate. There are two ways to deal with this. On the first date, you can take her through a range of experiences, or “episodes,” creating the perception that you and she have gone through a lot together.
If you plan things right, it’s likely she has never been on a date with such a buildup of emotional momentum. If you can capitalize on this at the end of the night, you will immediately flip the script and make her feel intense feelings for you. It is not in the Denier’s reality that she will sleep with a guy who hasn’t proven himself to her. If her emotions carry her away and she has sex with you, she will rationalize that it’s because you are very special to her.
The alternative is that you go on many dates with a Denier before she’ll sleep with you. So it’s either the first date, or the tenth.
On the other end of the spectrum are Justifiers. Justifiers are used to men wanting them for sex, and take charge of this by indulging in their own desires relatively quickly. This way, they at least control their own bodies. You’ll want to leverage this by delaying sex a little while after it’s clear that the Justifier will sleep with you. Instead of jumping into bed, treat her like she’s special by going on one more date.
Also, get compliance from her on all your dates. Let her know that you aren’t trying to get sex from her. You are more focused on how she can contribute to your life in a positive way. Sex can’t seem like it’s more important to you than it is to her.
The Relationship line determines what you talk about, and the role you expect her to play in your activities. For a Realist, you should structure an activity where she can contribute and show her value as a woman. Any scenario where you and she are working together for a common goal is excellent. Even better would be giving her an opportunity to teach you something, or do something for you, e.g. cooking, or helping you cook.
With a Realist, you’ll also want to joke around and keep her in the moment as much as possible. The Realist can be a worrier, and psych herself out of a good time. An Idealist ruminates too, but is less likely to get into a negative rut, because she isn’t as concerned with controlling outcomes. Get the realist laughing, and keep the conversation light.
Idealists want to be swept off their feet. This means that whatever activity you plan, make sure she plays a passive role. Make the activities a surprise, lead her around, show her something she’s never seen before (no not that you cheeky bastard). An out-of-the-way restaurant, or an exhibit at the zoo are opportunities for you to give her new experiences.
With Idealists, talk about your goals and aspirations. It’s good to do this with all types of women, but emphasize your passions, talk about your daydreams, but don’t give too many personal details about yourself. Talk about the man you want to be, and the things you want to do.
By the lines
Tester The Playette prefers a light, fun activity where she won’t feel pressure to make conversation. She will have more fun doing a physical activity. Make sure it’s light and not too intense.
Denier You should set up two or three activities for the first date, and lead her through several experiences. Have a non-sexual reason to go back to your place at the end of the night. If you don’t sleep with her, you’ll probably have to wait about four more dates before you get another chance.
Idealist You should take a very strong lead and have everything planned out. Also expect to pay for everything on the first date. As long as you keep it cheap, this shouldn’t be a bid deal.
*Plan on 2-3 activities for a first date with Deniers
- Go for a walk in a pretty natural setting, like a public park (don’t go hiking in an unpopulated area.)
- Go to your favorite sports bar and play
- Take her to the arcade and play a bunch of games
- Get a group of people for a trip to the beach (she probably won’t want to get in a bikini if it’s just you and her).
- Take her to a wine-tasting even, and go for a walk outside
By the lines
Tester The SB is the quintessential party girl. It will probably be a little difficult to get her on a date as SB’s have a lot going on, and are somewhat flakey. Keep it super casual – she’ll probably prefer to bring her friends to meet up with you and your friends. Sports events are great for the SB. She’s likely younger (college age), so any event on campus or near her home makes it easy for her to meet up with you. One more thing – don’t plan any pretentious, intellectual dates (like going to a museum). You’ll get further by offering to smoke a joint. This girl likes stimulation and wants to be silly.
Justifier The SB is horny and will put up little resistance if you make a move. The key is to not show much sexual interest at first – just have fun and stay relaxed. At the end of the date, get her alone (your place, or wherever you are at) and pull her in for the kiss. The SB is an exception to most Justifiers, because she is young and super horny. If she doesn’t think you will fuck her, she will get bored.
Idealist Again, you’ll need to run the show. Move her around, tease her, have a plan for everything you’re going to do. Also, be ready to improvise and
try something unplanned. If you spot on opportunity to see or do something interesting, jump on it and bring her with you. She needs physical and emotional stimulation.
- Watch a local sports team at a fun bar
- Go to a sporting event
- Play pool or darts a sports bar
- Bring your friends to meet hers at a dance club
- Music concerts (or a local band playing at a bar)
Hopeful Romantic (NDI)
By the lines
iNvestor The HR is looking at your long-term potential. If she can’t have a conversation with you, she’ll be in doubt. It’s important that you create
opportunities to look each other in the eyes, talk about yourselves, and ask questions. A quiet spot with aesthetic appeal, or chill music in the background is perfect.
Denier She will put the breaks on sexual advances, unless you can get her emotions really ramped up and then make a powerful move to the bedroom. Keep the touching light, focusing mostly on protecting her and guiding her. As the night comes to a close, pull back on the escalation. Get her back to your place. When you are alone, approach her from behind, hold her, and begin kissing her neck. Turn her around and kiss her on the mouth. If she turns away, follow her lips. Be careful – as always, no means no. But it’s good to be a little aggressive at the right time. Just remember what I send – this is all about a mutually beneficial, fun experience. It’s your responsibility to pay attention to her comfort level.
Idealist With the HR, you’ll need to be in control and know where you are going at every step. She may be somewhat timid or fickle about trying new things. This is great because you can push her just past her comfort zone and have new experiences. Don’t take “no” for an answer when it comes to trying new food, or going to a place that’s not in her “scene.” As you lead her through new adventures, smile and tease her whenever she is being a “chickenfingers” (this is what I call girls who order chicken fingers at dinner – it’s safe, lame, and boring. Try something different and crazy!)
*Plan on 2-3 activities for a first date with Deniers
- A quiet wine bar
- A low-key dive bar
- A café
- Have a picnic in the park or on the beach
- Cook dinner at your place
By the lines
iNvestor Cinderella is also looking for your long-term potential. Remember that this does NOT mean you should give her your life resume. In fact, the less details she knows about you, the better, as she will fill in the gaps with her own fantasies, which are much more exciting than anything you could come up with. The real key to conveying a possible future together is simply by having fun together and sharing experiences. The Cinderella seduces herself, so the only way you can screw up is by ruining her fantasy of you, and not letting her use her imagination. Unfortunately, most guys screw this up.
Justifier The NJI combination is POWERFUL. It makes the Cinderella extremely passionate, whimsical, and sexual. This creates the opportunity for rapid sexual escalation. You don’t have to do much to get this woman going. You’re real challenge will be to not turn her off by placing too much emphasis on her looks, or making other mistakes to convey that you are very interested in sleeping with her.
Idealist The conversation should focus on the past and future – leave your current details vague. Talk about your memories of childhood, and your hopes and aspirations for the future. Find out hers too. The most powerful conversation you can have with Cinderella is silent. Comfortable silence, with eye contact, is absolutely the most effective way to create a connection while simultaneously turning her on.
*Leverage her intense emotions by contrasting both physical and conversational scenarios
- Go to an art museum
- Go to the zoo
- Play pool at a
- Quiet bar or greasy spoon restaurant
- A lake or park to walk around
- Grill and have drinks in your backyard/balcony
Private Dancer (TDR)
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Tester The PD is very picky with the guys she’ll sleep with. That’s why it’s really important to not alert her tendency to reject men. Do this by having a plan, keeping it light yet stimulating, and not putting sexual pressure on
her. You should plan for 2-3 venues or activities here. But remember, she is a Realist, so you must get her to play a role in the date.
Denier Again, sleep with her as soon as you can, otherwise you will be waiting awhile. A great date for a TDR is to cook dinner at your place. This is a really solid date for any of the types, but it takes a smooth set up, as laid out in our No Flakes DVDs.
Realist Her worldview is that relationships are a team effort. She wants to contribute, not necessarily to show off or prove herself, but because she wants to. Imagine being on a basketball team (or whatever your preferred sport), but never getting to play. Sure, it’s easy to sit on the bench, but that’s no fun!
*You can use the same date ideas as TDI, but you’ll want to create opportunities for the PD to contribute:
- Go for a walk in a pretty natural setting, like a public park (don’t go hiking in an unpopulated ) Have her bring a bottle of wine, or some snacks.
- Take her to the arcade and play a bunch of games Have her get
$3-4 in quarters ahead of time.
- Get a group of people for a trip to the beach (she probably won’t want to get in a bikini if it’s just you and her). Have her bring some food or drinks, or a blanket – anything she can do is great!
- Take her to a wine-tasting even, and go for a walk outside Tell her to wear a black dress so you look like a hot couple.
By the lines
Tester The Seductress can be intimidating. But remember, your job is not to impress her. Your job is to get to know her and have fun – to become friends that sleep together. It’s likely this woman is very sharp, and has a lot of experience with men trying to impress their way into her pants. Interestingly, most Seductresses are more stimulated intellectually, than physically. They need a man who can hang with her, and is interested in how she thinks. Go for more high-brow type of activities. Don’t worry too much about moving her around or many different venues. One activity that envelopes the two of you, and stimulates thought and conversation is perfect.
Justifier Don’t worry too much about making her sexually aroused, or flirting. Treat her like a friend. She’s horny already and any attempt you make to “speed things up” or “heat things up” is going to look weak, unless you are supremely confident in your sexual abilities. Speak to her as an equal – show her you respect her thoughts and opinions. This translates to you being a good level – seriously! It shows that you are a giver, and care about her pleasure.
She’s not a conquest. YOU are the conquest here (but remember, easy conquests are no fun).
Realist Make the Seductress work. Expect her to contribute, because she must earn sex from you. I don’t want to make it anymore complicated than that because that is the most powerful mindset you can have with this woman.
*In contrast to the TJI, the TJR requires lots of intellectual stimulation.
- Museum or art gallery
- Rent some cult or foreign films and watch together
- I would say go to a poetry reading, but I hate spoken word Your call.
- Go to a bar or restaurant that specializes in some category. For example, a whiskey bar (there’s a great one in San Francisco – 4 shelves of scotch and whiskey, dim candle lighting, and hidden places to sit and talk). Or check out an Ethiopian bar and sit at the traditional tables.
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iNvestor The Connoisseur isn’t interested in a fling. She may be cool with an open relationship, but she is picky, like the Private Dancer, and only wants
a man she can have a future with. She’s expecting to take the long route, and she is mostly screening on your ability to match her contribution to the relationship (Realist). You’ll need to focus on originality in your date, and also, to get personal and engaged in your conversation. I’ll get you started.
Denier A great way to penetrate her Denying walls is to match your interest in her personality with your interest in her body. Don’t hide it. Be sexual, aggressive, passionate – but balance it with genuine warmth and interest in who she is as a person. Reward her physically with your touch whenever she impresses you or shows her true personality.
Realist Talk about your goals, but in a more practical way. Ask her about her personality – what kind of person she is, what she is good at. Be
self-deprecating and talk about your vulnerabilities and weaknesses (in moderation). This will allow her to do the same, and then you can bond as two, authentic, vulnerable human beings, trying to make it in a crazy world.
*Go for originality
- Check out a children’s science museum, and have fun with the hands-on exhibits
- Go to an aquarium – no one goes to aquariums but they are really cool and have a dark, other-worldly ambience.
- Go shopping together and have her help you pick some clothes, or pick out a gift for someone close to you
Modern Woman (NJR)
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iNvestor The Modern Woman is generally looking for a guy she can be with for the long-haul, but she is really easy to get along with and doesn’t get ahead of herself. She knows that it takes time to truly connect with someone, and only then does the sex get really good. So she’s cool with having something light and casual at first, to see if there’s the potential for more. She doesn’t get ahead of herself. She is very flexible and easy to date. You can do physical activities, or set up a more conversational context.
Justifier Don’t work too hard to create sexual tension. If she turns you on, don’t hide it. But relaaaax. There’s no need to rush. She is horny and likes to have fun. The more you can relax and allow her to feel comfortable with
you, the faster she’ll be ready to have sex. In fact, this type may make the first move, or carry the torch once you do.
Realist The MH likely has at least one talent or area of expertise. Get interested and appreciate her for it. If you can incorporate it into the date, that’s even better. Remember, with a Justifier, getting compliance over sex is crucial. Since she’s a Realist-iNvestor, she already wants to contribute. Leverage this to create the mutually beneficial dynamic where you are the sexual prize in the relationship.
You can do any of the above dates. It doesn’t matter. The key is to get her involved in some way as far as contributing to the success of the date. Here are some more compliance ideas:
- Have her wear something special – a skirt and heels is my
- Tell her to do her hair in a style you like, or to just surprise
- Have her buy or bring something relevant to the activity
- Have her bring a girl friend for your guy friend (double date)
- Have her pick you up
- Let her take you out to dinner (second date)
- Have her help you with a task (shopping, cooking, etc)