The Old Way
When you meet a woman you really like, do you know how to keep her? This is a major challenge for most guys, probably second to approaching. The reason for the struggle is that men treat “keeping” a woman as if they were a running back trying to protect a football. It’s this jealous, hoarding, fearful mindset that prevents men from being at their best when they get involved with great women.
We always talk about the beliefs behind mindsets. The belief driving the mindset of “keeping her” is that she a) doesn’t like you enough, and b) that it’s your job to earn her time and attention. As you probably know by now, this is the exact opposite of the dynamic you want with women. You want a woman to already feel attracted to you so that you don’t have to work for her. You want a woman to feel like she has to work for YOU.
This mindset reinforces a self-sabotaging belief and perpetuates the problem. When you constantly try to second guess and pursue women, they run from you, making you think that you must chase harder or smarter. It’s time to flip the script.
The New Way
In order for a woman to feel attracted to a man, she must feel like he is the prize, and that she is lucky to be a part of HIS life. Hearing this, the average guy’s old beliefs will kick in: well that means I need to make more money, wear cooler clothes, be funnier, grow a bigger dick.
This is exactly the kind of thinking that turned the woman off in the first place. Remember, as men are attracted by how women look, women are attracted to how men think.
So this is where we make the change. (The Attraction Code discussed this in-depth so if you have not read it, you’re fucking up. Just kidding. But seriously.)
You must begin to think like a dominant man, instead of a submissive man. This applies to the content of your thoughts, but more importantly, the direction of your thoughts. For example, let’s say you see a homeless person on the street. When you pass him by, you can think about how much money you will give him. This is a content-thought. But you could be giving him the money because you are scared of looking selfish, or because you want to help a fellow human being. This makes a huge difference in your demeanor and how others perceive you.
So the “direction” of your thoughts is like the “why.” In other words, your intention, your meta direction, guides your thoughts, and thus your actions.
It can be hard to change your intention with women when you are lacking in the dating department. You perceive a lack, and so you chase. This is why it’s extremely important to take a step back and revamp your lifestyle before you can expect a drastic change in your results with women.
Let’s say you’re dating a beautiful, fun, smart woman. You want to keep her in your life. You are dealing with a whole new set of issues beyond “What do I say to break the ice?” or “How do I get a conversation going?” She is asking herself questions like, “Where is this going? Am I truly important to him? Do we have a future? Do I want to be a part of that future?”
Instead of focusing on winning women over, we will now focus on making women devote themselves to us. This may sound like a large task. How can you make a beautiful woman, who can date any man she wants, to devote herself to you? The good news is she wants to, but most men won’t let her.
The bad news is you have to be going somewhere. Well actually that’s good news, unless you want to spend the rest of your days working at Best Buy and your only hobby is watching cable TV.
When your focus is devotion, you’ll find you have more attractive women in your life. This is because women can sense when a man has high standards. It conveys that you are used to attractive women, and a generally good life.
Also, when you are no longer chasing women, you will find that your interactions with women, whether you just met or have been dating for a while, are much more authentic. Think about how nervous and unnatural you act when you are trying to get something from someone. Now think about how confident and happy you are when you feel like you are bringing a lot to the table.
Now what if what you brought to the table was a thought? The easiest thing you can have is a thought, and yet that is what attracts women, and the more powerful your thoughts, the better the women.
You can have amazing women want to devote themselves to you when you change how you think, because it’s your way of thinking that you “bring to the table,” because that’s what a values the most – in other words, what she is most attracted to.
The first order of business is to change how you feel about yourself. It’s damn-near impossible to expect others to treat you well when you don’t treat yourself well. This begins with reflection.
You’ll need to take some time to get clear on what you really want in life, in terms of women, career, friendships, hobbies, etc. This is a good thing to do regardless of your goals, but it’s especially important when it comes to
women. I actually believe that your relationships with women reflect how you deal with other aspects of your life – women are like mirrors that reflect the degree to which you stay true to yourself.
Once you are clear on what is important to you and what your goals are for the next year or two, you should then begin to coach yourself to yourself.
This is called “self talk” or the inner-dialogue we have as we go through our day. Most people talk to themselves like bullies, or excuse-makers. Think of a coach or cool teacher you had when you were younger. Think about how they treated you. A good coach doesn’t sugar coat problems or complaints, but he doesn’t get upset either. He points out the problem, suggests the first couple steps towards a solution, and reminds you that you have what it takes.
This is how you should talk to yourself. Be patient, reassuring, realistic, and remind yourself that you are unique and capable. You can do it, whatever “it” is, and you will do it in your own cool, special way, because that’s what makes life fun.
Let’s talk about your lifestyle briefly. As you’ll see, having a strong vision is crucial to garnering devotion. Once you are clear on your goals, at least for the short term, and what kinds of relationships you want, you’ll need to take actual steps to get moving.
Matt, our trainer from Down-Under, has a great technique for this. Think about what your goals are – list them all out. Pick the top three – maybe one from different categories, e.g. sex/dating, career, hobbies/free-time.
Now imagine that your success at this goal was guaranteed. There was absolutely no question you’d be successful, it’s just a matter of getting started.
- What is the first step you would take?
- Now how can you make that step simpler and easier?
- Is there something you can do right now?
- After you take your immediate step, what step will you take in the morning, or the first chance you get tomorrow?
Now that we have the first steps out of the way – the true fundamentals that drive all successful endeavor, we can think about how to deal specifically with women. Women think differently than men. This is obvious, but the conventional wisdom is that women are illogical. The most assuredly are not. They just think differently.
You’ll need to understand three core principles of female psychology before you can begin to think on a technical level. Once you can understand these principles, you can apply them using two-line combinations of Pandora’s Box.
Universal Female Psychology
Men and women have primal functions driving their behavior. An easy way to understand this is to simply think about what turns you on about women, physically. For example, if you like big breasts, a woman with big breasts will turn you on. A woman can leverage this universal function (attraction to large breasts) by wearing a push up bra, because this will turn you on, even if her breasts are modest. I call these sorts of functions “evolutionary leverage points.”
Remember that women are more attracted to how you think than how you look. So when it comes to leverage points, we’ll focus on the mental dynamics of your relationships with women.
If you’ve ever played poker, you know what it means to be “pot-committed.” As you put more money into the pot, it becomes harder to fold. This is because it is painful to give up (fold) and think that all that time and thought and money went to waste.
This is the result of the cognitive dissonance function in our brains. With women, we’ll leverage this function to make women feel “pot committed” by getting compliance.
There are three types of compliance, but many techniques to get compliance. The three types of compliance are emotional, sexual, and practical.
Emotional compliance means a woman has shared deep personal experiences with you, or has shown you a very emotional side of herself. She has been emotionally vulnerable with you. This is a big deal and must be recognized and respected.
Sexual compliance means she has pushed her sexual limits with you, exploring new activities and mindsets. Taking a woman’s virginity is an obvious example, but anything situation where she does something more “freaky” or different than what she is used to is sexual compliance and creates cognitive dissonance.
Practical compliance is some sort of physical effort she makes for you. This could be a time-commitment, something she buys for you, cooking you a meal, or anything that can be seen physically.
For women, the bond they have with a man is much more important than how physically attracted she is to him. Women are in a quite precarious situation when it comes to dating and sex. They want to have sex, but sex brings with it some inherent risks that men don’t have to deal with. For example, pregnancy, a higher risk of contracting an STD, and in our long history as a species, death during childbirth.
If a woman embarks on the ultimate adventure with a man, creating another human being, she is at risk. Now of course she enjoys the process, and has a biological urge to have children. But her worst-case scenario is that the man will leave as soon as he is done having sex with her, abandoning her to fend for herself with a child in her, or in-tow.
Because of this, women have created a strong screening process to make sure that the men she chooses to mate with don’t abandon her. Of course it happens all the time, as men have evolved ways to get around the female radar and plant their seed!
Understanding this, and having compassion and sympathy for women, will allow you to be extremely powerful in your dealings, as you will be coming from a place of not only love, but deep understanding.
We already discussed how to get your vision, and later we’ll discuss how to apply your vision technically. For now, I simply want to leave you with a metaphor.
Imagine you are about to go through a dense wilderness – a forest – on a nature hike. You go to the park office and meet the man who will be your guide. He is dressed properly and seems to know his way around. You come to the edge of the trail, about to embark on your journey. So far, so good.
After a couple miles and several hours into the forest, you come to a fork in the road. It’s getting dark. Your guide looks at you and says, “I’m not sure what to do. Where do you think we should go?”
How would you feel?
Compliance is crucial to getting a woman devoted to you. As a man, you may think that doing things for others is a form of submission. But to a woman, it’s how she contributes and expresses herself. Women are concerned with
connecting and supporting others, rather than asserting their status and gaining power. This means women want to contribute, in other words, comply.
There are two lines in Pandora’s Box that deal directly with compliance dynamics: the Sex and Relationship Lines.
You’ll want to really focus on getting Practical compliance immediately with a D-R, for two main reasons. A Denier will resist attempts to get sexual, but her Realist side will incline her to want to do non-sexual things for you.
Leverage this by getting lots of non-sexual compliance. At some point, she will begin to rationalize her compliance by telling herself that you are special, making her more open to getting sexual. Once you have Sexual compliance this girl is yours.
In contrast to the Realist, you’ll use Emotional compliance to get a D-I telling herself you are special. There are two ways to do this in conversation. Tell her secrets about yourself – what you are scared of, what you have done that you are proud of, what your relationships with your family and friends are like.
This will make her feel comfortable sharing the same things with you. If she’s not volunteering information, ask her questions to learn what makes her tick.
A Justifier devalues sex to herself as a way of sidestepping the potential pain attached to sex. This means she is more likely to sleep with you relatively quickly, as it is not a big deal (if she makes it a big deal, she becomes emotionally vulnerable – you must grasp this concept). We’ll leverage this by actually pushing her sexual comfort zone right away.
The more you can get her to feel dominated, the higher degree of compliance. For example, fucking her doggystyle the first time you have sex, and really pounding her, pulling her hair, etc. It really comes down to dominance and submission here. You really want her to feel like she’s at your whim. Take a necktie and tie her up, then kiss her all over, occasionally biting just enough to hurt. There’s a lot to explore here. Try new things with a J-R!
With a J-I, you’ll use sex to garner compliance, but in this case, you’ll focus more on the emotional aspect of the sex, and less on dominance. A great book that explores these concepts is Dan Rose’s Sex God Method – it’s probably the best book I’ve ever read on sex and has helped me take my sexual expression to the next level.
During foreplay, and during sex, tell her how much she turns you on. Tell her you’re crazy about her. A great thing to say is how comfortable you feel with her, how you trust her and feel like you can relax and be yourself with her.
This not only flips the script for who’s chasing who (you are the prize – the one she is seducing), but it allows her to relax and let her emotions run wild. This is what you want with an Idealst.
The Us Frame is a concept I created several years ago to convey the kind of attitude that creates a sense of bonding with a woman. We’ve discussed the Us Frame heavily in other products, but it’s essentially shifting your mindset from seeing a woman as an opponent or conquest, but rather as a partner and friend, a teammate in the crazy game of life. When you think this way, it shows in the minutiae of your paralanguage and decision-making. Women feel this, and let their guard down.
When it comes to dating, a woman’s biggest fear is that she will be used for sex, and then abandoned. This fear can be hard for men to grasp because most men wouldn’t mind being used for sex and left alone! Seeing your relationship with her through the Us Frame conveys that you won’t abandon her, that you want her in your life. This doesn’t mean marriage or a “serious relationship” – these are superficial titles for forced obligations. But a bond based on care, respect, and shared experience is very real and crucial for a great love life.
Applying this mindset requires that you understand the interaction between the Time and Sex Lines.
Your bond with a Tester is that you have fun together. Before you sleep with a T-D, focus on getting her laughing and being silly together. As always,
you’ll want to use logistics to sleep with her quickly. After you sleep with her, apply the Us Frame in more sexual terms. Tell her how great she is at pleasing you, and how you have great chemistry. “We have the best sex. You ride me so well, it’s like you know exactly how to do me.” “I miss that little body. I want to feel your skin next to mine. That’s when I feel closest to you – when
I can look in your eyes and feel how warm your body is next to mine.” Do something sexual in public and then joke about it later – “I can’t believe we did that in the parking garage. We are crazy together.”
With a T-J, you’ll use the Us Frame in more emotional ways, after you’ve had sex. It may seem counter-intuitive, but remember that a Justifier doesn’t see sex as all that special, and has probably had a lot of casual encounters. But it’s rare that she’s been treated like she’s special, outside of the bedroom. You may even want to hold off on sex even if she seems ready. Allow a friendship to blossom a little bit.
You’ll want to share emotional experiences together. This could mean relating childhood stories and laughing about the silly things you did as kids, or it could mean watching a scary movie together. But you will always want to use “us” language, and roleplay a lot. “We would’ve been best friends as kids.
We would’ve gotten in so much trouble.” Sneak some snacks into the movie theatre, then roleplay that you are spies. “See, we are smooth. They had no idea. Now we are in here chomping on curly fries when everyone else has to eat crappy popcorn. Gimme five.”
Talk a lot about your future together with an N-D. Find out what she’s good at, and notice quirks about her personality. Then talk about how she will play a valuable role in your future because of who she is as a person.
After you’ve slept with her, talk about how the sex just keeps getting better, and she turns you on more than any woman you’ve ever been with. Be careful not to spend too much time with her right away – once a week is good, twice at the absolute max, until you are ready for a major commitment. This girl is vulnerable so be good to her – even if it doesn’t work out in the long run, she will be a lifelong friend, which is what the Us Frame is really about.
In the case of the N-J, you’ll actually want to pull back a little on the Us Framing. This girl will likely jump the gun big-time once you get physically intimate. This would be fine, except if you don’t reciprocate, she will get upset and go in the opposite direction – sort of like a fire that burns strong right away, but uses up its fuel source and burns out just as fast as it started.
You’ll want to manage this a little bit. Treat her like she is special, let her know how important she is to you, but don’t do overdo this during sex. During foreplay, tell her how much she turns you on, and then ease into dominating her. Be dominant during sex, use emotional compliance outside the bedroom, and be careful to not to see her as often as you would with a girlfriend.
Remember the metaphor about the incompetent nature guide? That’s how women often feel when they realize that their man is going nowhere, or if he is, it’s for the wrong reasons. When we interviewed women for Pandora’s Box, we asked what made them attracted to a man. We got the same answer over and over. Women want a man who is passionate about something and is going somewhere with it. He’s got a direction in life that he is excited about. We call this “vision.”
In order to have vision, you must put in a considerable amount of time reflecting on what you want and how you are going to get it. Once you have a sense of your direction in life, share it with women. Talk it about when you first meet a new woman. Talk about what’s going on in your life as you get to know her and spend time with her. And include her in your vision. Again, this doesn’t mean proposing marriage, it means creating the impression that you’ll always be connected and that she can support you as any true friend would support you on your quest.
The proper way to do this varies from type to type. You’ll need to understand how vision applies to the dynamics of the Relationship and Time Lines.
Keep an R-T busy. As a Tester, she is likely to get distracted and find something (or someone) more interesting. But as a Realist, she is inclined to give compliance, as she sees relationships as teamwork. In conversation, don’t talk too much about the future. Keep her physically busy, in and out of the bedroom, and always convey that YOU are on your path. It’s up to her if she wants to tag along.
Don’t worry about getting emotional in your conversations. A Tester Realist will get bored with this, or at least won’t feel the emotions intensely for it to be worth the time. Talk about your goals, and let her offer to contribute, but the way to satisfy her need to be with a man who has Vision is to get her doing things for you.Have her clean for you. Coach her to please you in the bedroom.
Keep the R-N busy, just as you would with an R-T. But in this case, remind her that she is earning your long-term devotion by proving hers. Talk about her talents and strengths as if they are really different from other women. This is probably the easiest way to leverage an iNvestor’s desire for a long-term relationship – simply telling her how different she is.
Get her cooking for you, then reward her after by having sex. After sex, lay there and talk about your goals, and ask her for her advice and thoughts about your vision. This conveys that she can play a role.
Stay in the moment with this girl. Just have a lot of fun experiences. Keep the fancy dates and big plans to a minimum. Do lots of little things. Go to free events, have a lot of spontaneous sexual encounters, and keep your interactions really light and positive.
However, during sex, tell her how much she turns you on, how sexy her energy is, and combine this with dominance. Take over her body. Remember that a Tester needs to be thrilled and stimulated. She likes to be in the moment. Combining this with the Idealist side, an I-T will experience emotions more intensely than a Realist. Leverage this by being spontaneous, passionate, and dominant.
For example, as you are walking through a park, throw her over your shoulder and set her down on a wall or bench and kiss her. Then grab her ankles and tickle her feet until she loses control. Then laugh together and keep it moving.
Two words: future roleplaying. Talk about how you will be both be rich one day, living on a hillside in the tropics. Talk about the kind of parents you will be (not necessarily together though – just talk about yourself). Talk about doing big things, running your own company, contributing to the world in major ways, like writing a book, helping kids, etc.
Sexually, keep things new and exciting. Think of ways to take things to the next level. If you’re into toys or props, that’s great, but at some point, you’ll run out of toys. You must become a master of the psychology behind sex, and push her comfort zone on a psychological level. Role-playing, dominance and submission, and simply becoming more in-sync together are all examples of using your mind – your imagination – to develop your sexual connection with this woman. To an iNvestor, great sex means a great future together.