Just like the other Tester-Denier type, the Private Dancer has two sides to her personality. There’s the mysterious-yet-innocent exterior. And there’s the passionate and sensitive woman inside. Only a select few get to see this hidden part of her.
She keeps herself protected because she is a giver. When a man is special to her, she gives him her all to contribute to his life and keep him happy. She needs to play this role to feel fulfilled in a relationship. And this is why she has to be very selective with who she gets intimate with. She doesn’t want to give her gifts to a guy who doesn’t deserve them.
Now it may seem that this woman is more of an iNvestor, given the above description. In fact, she is such an extreme iNvestor that she has to be a Tester to protect herself. Some Testers are so, because they are running from their own emotions. In this case, the Private Dancer is, consciously or subconsciously, scared of her tendency to get extremely attached to a man once she lets her guard down. So for now, she’s testing the waters, dabbling in different men.
If you become intimate with a Dancer, you will find that she is extremely giving sexually. It’s her nature to help and contribute. If you’re relationship hasn’t become serious yet, she will still need to give. She will also jump at the chance to cook for you, help you pick out clothes, or whatever she can do to help out. This is her Realist nature – to nurture in concrete ways.
This also means that she is practical-minded, and keeps a lid on her emotions most of the time. She is not overly sentimental. She also expects you to reciprocate that care she gives to you, so don’t take her for granted. She may seem cool and aloof, and this can frustrate a guy who falls for her and wants something more serious and logn-term. But if not, she’s a great casual lover and friend.
As a Tester, this woman is uncomfortable with too intensity and romance at first. She would prefer to keep the conversation on situational topics rather than getting too personal. She also needs a guy who is persistent but not too sexual or aggressive. Sexual tension makes her uneasy as she represses that side of herself throughout the day. Again this is a self- protective mechanism – there’s definitely a wild side to this woman.
She is extremely horny, but doesn’t show it. Often this is due to a lack of sexual confidence. It’s not that she doesn’t know what she’s doing – it’s that she doesn’t see herself as a sexual person. If you can be the guy to build her confidence and sexual identity, she will be an extremely skilled lover. She will learn how to do that special thing with her hips, or the crazy tongue move, that drives you over the edge.
As a Denier, her ability to please you with such skill makes her feel closer to you – only she knows what you like – hence the name “Private Dancer.”
Outside of the bedroom (or wherever you happen to be having sex), she will play a very nurturing role. She may seem cool and lacking in passion but that’s not the case. She thinks in practical terms. If you try to push up behind her while she is cooking, she might shoo you away so she can finish making dinner. You see, if she let herself get carried away, dinner would be ruined and then you would starve! So let her cook, and take care of you, and then after dinner she’ll show you a new trick she learned to make you hard as a rock.
How She Gets What She Wants
The Private Dancer usually has a lot of guy friends, because she can relate to the masculine way of thinking. She hates drama and thinks most women are catty. Because of this, she meets a lot of men, and has a lot of guys chasing her. There is something about her mysterious personality that draws men in. And the fact that she can watch football and not ask stupid questions makes her a great friend. If she’s hot, men see her as having the best of both worlds.
Although not a prude, she doesn’t get too excited about sexual talk, and may even get turned off if you try to make sexual innuendos or ask her about her sex life. This is the part she keeps bottled up until the right guy can push through her walls and open her up. This requires that you keep an even keel, don’t come off as sexually pushy, and show her that the two of you can do things together outside of the bedroom.
She is independent and career-oriented, at least until she is ready to start a family (usually in her mid-to-late 30’s). She has her own life and hobbies. But she loves to do contribute to yours, as long as she feels appreciated. Never take this woman for granted, because she likely has many other options. If she is pretty, she has many other guys vying for her attention. The only problem is they are all trying to suck up to her, take her out to dinner, spoil her. She doesn’t want this. That’s her job – to spoil her man. If a man doesn’t let her do this, she will be unsatisfied.
If you can wrap your mind around that, you will be successful with the Private Dancer.
Applied Technique (using 3-Function Analysis)
The best way to approach a Tester, as mentioned earlier, is to make a comment on something in the environment. If you give her a compliment, make sure it’s something unrelated to her body. Whereas you can tell an iNvestor you love how her dress fits around her curves, a Tester would be very uncomfortable hearing this. Especially a TDR – she doesn’t see herself as a sexual person in-general – only with that one special guy.
Non-sexual compliments are fine, however. If she has a cool shirt, for example, just tell her “I like your style” and give her a high-five.
In contrast to Idealists, she doesn’t not need to be teased to feel interested in you. The Dancer is not about chasing as much as succeeding together. If you can do something together as a team, this will separate you from the other guys chasing her around. Try inviting her to play pool on the same team (versus another couple), or having her grab the bartenders attention, and in exchange you buy a round for the both of you (make sure she buys the next round – don’t be that guy buying her drinks – remember that’s not what she wants).
The Private Dancer is cool with talking about anything. She is like one of your guy friends – any random topic is valid. Just don’t get too psychological. Some women love to explore the way people think. To a realist, concrete subjects are more interesting – travel, work, school, sports, her dog, etc.
The main way to build momentum with the Dancer is to NOT say or do anything sexual. This helps her feel at ease. Most guys screw this up.
She’ll actually respect you more if you can treat her like a person first – a teammate and partner.
So to summarize – interact, keep things upbeat and in-motion, do something physical if possible, and cut out all sexual intent.
The Private Dancer responds powerfully to the Us-frame. Create the dynamic where you and she are a team, and whatever you are doing, be successful at it. Roleplaying isn’t as effect because it’s fantasy. Actually DOING something where you and she are working together is much more powerful – remember, she’s a Realist.
Also, having a couple “episodes” will give her the sense that you and she have been through a lot. Whereas an iNvestor wants depth, a Tester wants breadth. Another way to think about this: an iNvestor would love to sit on a quiet couch, sip her apple-tini, while the two of you share your deepest passions.
A tester wants to get up and do something concrete and physical WITH you. And she probably drinks beer.
You can probably see a trend with the Private Dancer: physical, non- sexual teamwork.
This means you must carry yourself assertively. But this can be counter-intuitive. A good leader knows when to delegate. Often times the best way to lead and be dominant with a Private Dancer is to give
her a job to do. Asking for compliance right away is a great way to open.
But this requires you do so in a congruent, confident way. Be loud, stand up straight, and talk like you expect people to listen. When you ask her to do something, look her in the eyes. Don’t be bossy – act like you are making the call for the sake of the “team.”
As with all Deniers, aggressive, sexual touching is not advised. But, as a Tester, she does need an element of physicality to keep stimulated (you do not want a Tester to get bored!)
High fives are great. Very light touches on her back to guide her around, or any sort of protective touching, are great. For example a group of people are walking past her, gently pull her close so she doesn’t get bumped.
Dancing is good too, as long as you don’t push your boner into her back. Keep a little space and spin her around. This makes her feel beautiful and boost her sexual confidence in a seemingly non-sexual way.
It’s important that you sleep with this woman relatively fast. In contrast to an iNvestor, the more time you spend NOT fucking this woman, the more likely you will be to fall into the Dead Zone (i.e. the No-Sex Zone). (Remember that with an iNvestor, the more time you spend with her, the more sexual she will be with you because she isn’t investing in other guys at that time.)
The challenge here is to proceed without being aggressive or overtly sexual. The absolute best way to navigate this is by having her escalate on you.
Ask her to scratch an itch on your back. Have her show you how hard she can punch you in the shoulder. Challenge her to thumb wars. If she has nails, have her scratch your back. When you are relaxing alone together, transition that scratching to your chest. Stretch out and rest your head in her lap so she can run her hands through your hair.
The first time you go in for the kiss, she will probably turn away slightly. Be patient, but don’t give up. Keep your face close and follow to where her lips are. Go slow and convey that you won’t give up. At that point she will let her guard down. Keep coaching her to touch you. Remember, it’s absolutely crucial that you build her confidence as a sexual pleasure-giver. Start easy, and escalate. A good way to take things to the next level is to have her stroke your dick – first over your jeans, then skin to skin.
Always reassure her, and let her know that she is doing a good job. Then it is your turn. Kiss her neck and back to find her spots. But remember – don’t be the aggressor. Keep it 50-50, and instead of trying to move forward on her, coach her to do so on you.