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The Playette is a combination of Tester, Denier, and Idealist. She is like an iceberg. There is so much beneath the surface, and it’s worth exploring! The Playette is not always easy to recognize. That’s kind of the point with this girl. She doesn’t wear her emotions on her sleeve, and she tends to be secretive about her personal life. Typically she is modestly dressed, and looks around a lot, but is on the quiet side. She isn’t shy, but is definitely more of an observer than the Social Butterfly (TJI).
The Playette protects herself for good reason. Once you get past her walls, she is sweet, soft, sexy, and exciting. She has wonderful gifts to offer, but it is these very same gifts that make her vulnerable.
Before she lets her guard down, you must walk a fine line to show her that you will not smother or pressure her, while at the same time, conveying the potential for romance and intimacy.
We start with the Playette, because she is one of the most difficult, and most common, types men encounter within the target age range of early- to-mid 20’s. The challenge with this type of woman is quickly separating yourself from her many other orbiting male friends, who are in the No Sex Zone.
Note: We don’t use the common term, “friend zone,” because as you will see, truly being friends with a woman is actually a catalyst for sex. The Friend Zone really means the No Sex Zone, or the “I don’t want to have anything to do with you” Zone!
This means you must get sexual fast, without putting pressure on her… but at the same time you must create the perception of potential romance. This is something bad boys do naturally, but it can be learned, and perfected, once you understand the complexities of the Playette.
The Playette’s Mr. Right is fantastical, which is why she has a hard time picking one guy to stay with, or even sleep with. But remember, what a woman fantasizes about, and what she responds to in real time, flesh and blood, are two very different things.
This woman responds to a man who does not need her more than she needs him. All the men in her life are chasing her – they are one of her options. You have the most leverage with her if she perceives herself to be one of your options. So she must want you more than you want her, and you must convey that you are dating other women. But how do you make her interested in the first place, when she has so many other “suitors”?
The answer lies in her ideal relationship. She wants a man to literally sweep her off her feet. Now, we have all heard that saying before, and it means different things to different women. But in the Playette’s case, you must play the classic archetype of the dominant, romantic ladies man who saves her from her endless string of failed dating experiments.
She wants a man who will arouse her, seduce her, take her, tame her, and leave her wanting more.
In response she surrender into deep, naked submission. She will relax in body and mind, and allow herself to be ravished beyond her control, at your whim. This is why it is so tempting and exciting to pursue a Playette, and also why it is so challenging. The wall is hard to scale because the treasure is so enticing – men’s biggest downfall with the Playette is their own impatience and anxiety.
How She Gets What She Wants
The Playette is like her male version, the Player. A Player has several women on his sexual roster, and he gets something different from all of them. Likewise, a Playette has many men filling many roles. However, these roles can be simplified into two categories: Lover and Provider.
All women have two sexual mating goals. The first is to be impregnated by a man with good genes – her best genetic option. Her second goal, which manifests itself as an unconscious, primal drive – an instinct similar to a man being drawn to a woman with large breasts or wide hips – is to pair- bond with a man who has high social status and access, or control over, valuable resources.
The Playette achieves these goals using different men. While an iNvestor- type will satisfy these drives with one great catch, a Tester fills her survival needs with more than one man.
In the case of the Playette, there is an emotional boundary preventing almost all men she meets from reaching her heart. She is a Denier, meaning she puts up heavy resistance to sex because it carries a lot of emotional meaning for her. As a Tester, she “keeps it moving” so to speak, so it may be hard to develop enough rapport to the point where she feels safe letting go of her precious sexual side.
In addition, she’ll often put up soft boundaries, or tests, in order to slow down the progress of a sexual relationship, so that she can maintain her power. For example, she may accuse the man of being a player to put him on the defensive. Most guys respond by becoming docile and losing their power, thus losing their power and falling into the No-Sex Zone, or “Friend Zone,” as it’s commonly called.
In a sense she has gotten what she wanted, superficially. But she has not been sexually satisfied, just egotistically placated.
As an Idealist, The Playette has it in the back of her mind that she will one day meet her Prince Charming. In a sense, she is always looking for her Prince by being passive and leaving a social vacuum for men to take the lead. The irony is, her apparent coolness makes most men uneasy and lacking confidence. She won’t tell you what to do – she just sits back and observes what kind of man you are.
Applied Technique (using 3-Function Analysis)
Two things happen when you approach a Playette the wrong way. She’ll either ignore you completely, or let you talk with a blank expression, until you are blue in the face and run out of things to say. First of all, she’s a Tester. So she doesn’t like an intense, direct approach. Use something situational – comment on the environment or something she is doing.
Do this with a friendly, almost platonic energy. The thing with a Playette – she is a Denier and a TESTER, but is constantly in her head fantasizing about what could be.
The most effective way to get the Playette interested in you is to tease her. Avoid compliments unless she has earned them. Be playful, don’t take her too seriously, and tease a lot. If she makes an attempt to make herself look cool or high-status, tell her she’s cute.
Note: the formula for teasing is to lightly poke fun at something she’s doing, in a very warm way. This is where most guys screw up teasing. They are too harsh. On the flip side, guys who don’t tease at all are seen as too nice (i.e. boring).
Playettes are used to men trying to smooth-talk them. They’ve heard it all before (as have most women, attractive or not). Some women like a little sexuality and aggression. The Playette sees this type of approach as predictable and quickly classifiable – in other words, unattractive simply because it’s more of the same.
To build momentum and get her really interested in you, you must appear unpredictable, and also, uninterested in her sexually.
Note: If this sounds like every single woman you’ve met in nightclubs, guess what – when women get dressed up, drink a little alcohol, and go into a dance setting, they almost all turn into TDI-Playettes. The good news is, you can now approach almost any woman in a nightclub with not only confidence, but competence.
So let’s grab her attention. The key here is a concept we teach at DiCarlo Inc., called “Intrigue.” All Intrigue means is that you have an opinion or observation about a woman that will excite her emotions negatively or positively.
For example, let’s say she is wearing a dress almost identical to what another girl is wearing. Imply that you notice something that will probably piss her off, but don’t tell her what it is. “Uh oh. You’re gonna be pissed if I tell you what I just saw…but don’t worry, you are the winner.”
Another example: let’s say you notice that she is skinny but is drinking beer and you don’t know how she could keep that figure drinking Corona all night. You could simply say “I don’t know about you. You must know something these other girls don’t.”
It doesn’t have to be fancy- just get her to:
- focus on you because you are talking about her, and
- get her riled up by not telling whether your opinion/observation is flattering or otherwise.
It’s actually really easy to connect with Playettes, simply because other guys suck at it. The main mindset here is don’t try to sweet talk her or get sexual. On the flip side, don’t be that boring guy talking about career and goals in life. Keep it light and fun. Talk about music, fun hobbies, random adventures you’ve had recently.
Better yet, get her talking. She’s the quiet one, which means once she’s relaxed, she won’t shut up. That’s good news, because as I said before, her Idealist nature will take over, and her fantasies about you will seduce her. So the more you shut up, the better you look!
This means you must ask good questions. If she’s talking about work, ask her why she likes her job, or what she would like to ideally. The core questions are “why did you do/think/say that?” and “what was that like for you?”
Testers don’t like it when a man gets in their face. Keep your postion hip-to-hip. Try doing physical things like playing pool, walking side by side, looking at other points of interest together, or dancing without much eye contact.
Keep this in mind when on a date with a Playette. No romantic dinners by candle light. Instead go to a sports bar, play pool, and watch the game. Better yet, have her friends come and join your friends at a social event (this could also be as simple as watching the game at a sports bar). Testers like external stimuli and have a low tolerance for romantic attention. They perceive it as pressure. Freedom and fun are what gets a Playette excited. This is what most guys like as well, so don’t try to impress her with the sentimental route. Include her in your life and keep it casual.
As a Denier, she doesn’t respond well to aggressive physical advances in public. But when alone, you would do well to be persistant. You don’t lose points by trying to move forward – she respects that in a man. This is important because it’s crucial that you sleep with her relatively early, before you fall into the category of orbiters, shared by all the other guys in her life.
As you get to know the Playette, keep touch chivalrous, old-fashioned, and subtle. Hand-holding, gently guiding her with a light push on the lower back, and light brushes against her arms and back excite her plenty. If she gets too excited, guess what? The DENIER WALL goes up.
The dead giveaway of a Denier ironically occurs well into the interaction. I’m talking about the first kiss. Here’s the giveaway. You move in toward her lips, and she turns away slightly. She doesn’t run, slap you, or push you away. She just turns her head. This doesn’t mean “give up.” It means, “try again, I need you to persist because I’m scared.”
Note: A justifier won’t turn her head. If a justifier doesn’t want to kiss you, she’ll laugh, push you away, or pull back and look at you like you are crazy. If she wants to kiss you, she will; she may even initiate it.
Once you kiss a Denier, the flood gates will open if you are a good kisser. If not, she will put up heavy resistance, whereas a Justifier may just go with it and try other things.
You may get all kinds of verbal resistance with the Playette, but pay attention to her body. She will show you, with her hips, her sighs, and her overall energy, that she wants more. Be attentive, patient, and treat her body as if it’s sacred.
The first few sexual encounters with a Playette are crucial for getting past her emotional walls. Don’t be rough or kinky until later (it’s crucial that you push her limits as the relationship progresses). At the start, go slow, and check with her to make sure she is comfortable, and that whatever you are doing to her feels good.
After a couple bouts of sex, take note of her comfort level. When you see that she has accommodated to sex with you emotionally, take things a step further on the “kink scale.” There are three reasons for this. First, it’s fun! Second, the more open and adventurous she is with you sexually, the more connected she will feel, as sex and emotion
are intertwined with a denier. Third, it’s likely that she wants to have wilder sex, but is too timid to initiate it herself.
From our experience, it is the Deniers that have the most extreme fantasies. They protect themselves from men partially because they are protecting themselves from something (someone) that will make them lose control.