What is a “cold read”? Plain and simple, it is a tool to get a result. In this case, it is a conversational tool to get an emotional result in the person you are “reading.”
A cold read is one of the most powerful conversational tools you can use, in any situation – professional, romantic, or purely social. Basically a read is an observation about someone that makes him or her feel as if you
understand them on a very deep level. Because a read is merely a statement, but has such a powerful emotional impact, it is extremely efficient. It is the efficiency of this conversational tool that gives you profound leverage when dealing with others. There is nothing more effective than an accurate cold read when influencing another people’s emotions.
Why does an observation about someone create such a profound emotional effect? Let’s start with the term “cold.” It is called a “cold” read because you are telling the other person something about themselves they have not told you explicitly. You are observing something about them that is not easily observable, and may in fact be completely undetectable by other people – even people who have known that person for years.
(Remember – the egotistical self-centeredness of 99% of human beings makes your job very easy when it comes to cold reading someone effectively.)
The best cold read is when you tell someone something about themselves that they were previously unaware of when they realize your read is accurate.
If you can help a woman learn about herself, you are showing her something new, as women are socialized (and genetically inclined) to focus on others and figure out how everyone else “ticks.”
The first reason to use cold reads is that they create the perception, in your subject, that you are an authority. This makes you influential. Influence is power, in any relationship.
Another reason to use cold reads is that they create in your subject, the perception that you understand them on a much deeper level than anyone else. This makes your subject very comfortable with you, because they feel like you understand them.
Automatically this leads to a sense of chemistry – the elusive and indefinable quality of a great relationship. When two people “get” each other, they feel that click that is chemistry. Women already desire this click with everyone they meet, and when you convey that you understand her, she will desire that click so much that she will convince herself that the two of you “get” each other.
Lastly, and most practically, a cold read creates the opportunity to escalate, out of thin air. Universally, women want to think that you like them for their personalities – this is what attracts (or repels) them to men and this is their evolved strategy for keeping their sexual partners around
(Remember, personality lasts a lifetime, while her body, i.e. sex, lasts a matter of minutes – until the man orgasms).
When you Cold Read a woman, you create a reason, based on her personality, to escalate physically. This must always be the interpersonal dynamic with women you are pursuing sexually.
What are different ways to Read someone?
There are two ways to read someone. Obviously, telling them something about themselves is the primary method. We’ll call this a Direct Cold Read.
There is a more subtle way to read someone, where you talk about yourself in a way that you know your subject will immediately relate to. This is like “pacing” in NLP terms, but much more natural conversationally. We’ll call this method an Indirect Cold Read.
An organic, conversational, natural-sounding read incorporates both elements. When you try to tell someone about themselves too much, they will resist. But when you fractionate your own idiosyncrasies and vulnerabilities with your observations about her, she feels as if you are just “talking.”
You’ll notice that Indirect is used heavily in the Time/Mate Optimization Axis. This is because the first Axis is most subject to her conscious awareness, and most likely to change over time. Therefore, the more you try to directly shape her at this level, the more likely she is to resist.
- Direct Read: “You are .” You tell her what you already know about
- Indirect Read: “I am .” You pace her worldview by talking about yourself, prompting her to think or say “Me too! This guy must understand me because we are the same”.
Applying the Pandora’s Box Axes to Cold Reading
- Just to review, here is a brief explanation of each of the Axes in Pandora’s Box:
I, Time and Mate Optimization
Her dating strategy (for finding optimal mate)
- Tester: time use indirect read – “I” – pace her reality by talking about yourself. T’s – they don’t understand, and R’s – they don’t care (about connection)
- iNvestor: be very direct, use the read as the reason you like her
II, Coping strategy for sex and emotions (pain and pleasure)
How she copes and balances sexual emotions with potential pain and past trauma
- Justifier: focus the read on her personality, as if you see something no one else does
- Denier: focus the read on her sensuality/sexuality, as if you see something no one else does
III, Worldview and contributive style
Her contribution – how she needs to nurture and keep her man
- Realist: assess personality in the “now”
- Idealist: future projection role playing
Reading to Shape
Reading should be used to Shape. Shaping is a more accurate and understandable term for what academia call Behavioral Conditioning. Effective Shaping requires three principles:
- Perception: of the shaper as an authority
- Motivation: the desire to be shaped, based on the perception of potential rapport (mutual understanding)
- Conditioning: a reward to reinforce the desire behavior
Do these principles remind you of the three reasons to use Cold Reads listed earlier?
Use the Us Frame when appropriate. The Us Frame is the verbalization of a bond between you and your subject.
- To Us Frame, you must convey to your subject that you and she are on the same side, partners working together, for mutual
- Looking through the Us Frame, you see others as teammates, rather than competitors or conquests
What should you Shape for?
There are many terms and conditions possible for each unique relationship, but ultimately we want to shoot for the one the gives us the most leverage. The formula for Shaping must create the interpersonal dynamic of (her) Devotion For (your) Sex.
~ Shape everyone woman to be totally devoted to you, in exchange for your sexual interest. ~
This keeps you in the “Lover category,” which is a powerful role for women to put you in.
- Being in the Lover Category is crucial in order to:
- Keep you in charge of where the relationship goes
- Keep her hungry for your sex so you are always satisfied and never have to work to have sex (and allows her to try all the kinky stuff you both want to try)
- Eliminate the possibility of her substituting another man in your place
As this formula is structured using Pandora’s Box Axes, it may useful at this time to review the Applying the Pandora’s Box Axes to Cold Reading section once
I, Time and Mate Optimization
- Mindset: Always be screening
- Tester: you are to be chased, not the Therefore she “goes after what she wants”
- iNvestor: you are the one who is deciding to She is seducing you, and therefore causing your persistence
II. Balancing Sexuality with Emotional Vulnerability
- Mindset: Only you understand her
- Justifier: You desire her for her mind, her intelligence, her non- sexual talent – this is what truly makes her unique, regardless of her physical She is special.
- Denier: See her inner sexuality and femininity, notice what other men can’t see – that she is a wild women waiting to come out, no matter how much she denies it
III. Worldview and Contribution Style
- Mindset: Because of her contributive style, the two of you make a great team
- Realist: Use the Us Frame in regards to her practical, task- oriented The two of you achieved a task together.
- Idealist: Use the Us Frame in fantastical terms, projected into the future. Give her and yourself silly roles and talk about far- fetched adventures you’ll have in the future
The following pages are organized by each of the Pandora’s Box Personality Types, with three Cold Read examples for each type.
The examples are longer, wordier, and more insightful than is necessary in a real-world scenario. This is to give you a thorough understanding of what is going on within each Read, so that you can mix, abbreviate, and improvise your Reads on the fly.
Use the principles laid out above, and reflect on WHY each Cold Read is used for that particular type.
When you understand the WHY, you can make up the HOW on your own.
The Playette (TDI)
- There’s something about you that reminds me of myself. It’s like you don’t take people very seriously until they earn your trust. But at the same time you have fun. For me, I like to hang back and watch what people do, and decide who close I want to be with them. Most people let me down, so I’m definitely not trying to jump into anything serious when it comes to women.
- There’s something about you…I think you show it on accident You have this inner sensitivity. When I touch you I can feel a soft warmth under your cool, hard shell. I have my walls too, because when I give myself to someone, it can be really scary. But at the same time I want to because that’s when I feel most complete.
- I love it when you get silly on me. I wouldn’t take you seriously Because I’m gonna need your help when I take over the world. I’m gonna need someone to give me back massages. Oh and lip massages. You have the world’s best kisses. I’ll make you the Secretary of Kisses. Just don’t go kissing everybody you crazy girl.
The Social Butterfly (TJI)
- You’re awesome. I hate it when girls are all clingy. It’s like I talk to a girl, just being friendly, and boom she follows me around the rest of the I hate that shit. I’m not trying to meet my girlfriend at a bar/party. I just want to have fun and talk to people.
- Damn – you’re a smarty pants. I almost wrote you off when I first saw you haha. I love intelligent girls so that’s awesome. I bet most people don’t even notice because you’re so Most wouldn’t guess that a girl with such a big smile would actually have something to say. I’m glad you’re someone I can actually talk to.
- You’re crazy. I need you on my squad. We’ll kick everyone’s ass. We’ll hand out beat downs to bartenders when they make weak ass I’ll be like “Yo Jen (or whatever her name is), how’s your drink?” If you give me the Killer look I’ll jump over the bar Bruce Lee style. Can you karate chop? Show me. Oooh you’re a killer.
The Hopeful Romantic (NDI)
- I’m definitely open to meeting someone special, but they have to actually be special – y’know? I think people jump into things before they really know someone. For me, I have to really get to know a girl and feel like she cares about me before I have sex with her. Because I feel like I’m just giving myself away otherwise.
- I can tell you are sensitive about it, but you have a really warm feminine I love it. I feel turned on just being close to you. What I like the most is that you don’t try to flaunt it – it seems like you even try to hide it. But your energy – the way you move, laugh, wait for me to touch your back before you move – it’s just feminine and sexy. Anyways, you were saying…
- You know, the other day, I was actually feeling kind of down when I called/texted But when you responded/answered, I heard/imagined your voice and felt pretty good. Prrretty good haha. You have that effect on me. I think if I ever need to be cheered up you’re my go-to girl. Deal?
The Cinderella (NJI)
- Most people I meet are so They either want something from me, or they don’t even want to get to know me. It’s so hard to connect with people here (whatever city you live in). For me the most important thing when I meet girls is the same as with friends – I care about the people in my life and I expect the same in return…but people are strange…
- You are different than other girls because you are intelligent – it’s your mind that makes you interesting and sexy, but I bet guys rarely notice You seem like the kind of girl with high aspirations. I can’t see you just coasting on your looks. You are too smart and motivated for that.
- I don’t care how mad you get at me because I’ll still come and save you and throw you over my shoulder and save you. You will be kicking and screaming but I won’t even care because you’re my little lady. In another life maybe I’d be your .. And you’d be in my harem! Nah just kidding. OK no, you’d be in my harem, but then I’d see that you were above the other girls and I’d make you my princess.
The Private Dancer (TDR)
- I’m not unfriendly, but most people aren’t worth my time. I believe in treating people with respect, but I’m not the kind of person who just trusts someone right off the bat. You have to earn that from me. That’s why I don’t get all serious with women like most guys do. You have to just see where things go – if the person is worth your time, then cool, but otherwise, you gotta keep it
- You have so much to offer, but you keep yourself protected. I know why On the outside you seem unapproachable and intimidating. But that’s because you have so much to give. And you want to give yourself. That’s why it’s scary for you. So you need to protect yourself. I don’t ever want you to feel unprotected when you’re with me – because that’s more important than anything else – that you are safe when you’re with me.
- I want to taste your Most girls don’t know how to cook, which sucks for me because I’m always trying to get better at that. I think making new dishes is fun – even if you screw it up. I can see us making something realllllly good together.
The Seductress (TJR)
- I hate how women get all serious on me all fast. I hope you’re not like I probably sound cocky and I’m definitely not – I’m sure you’ve had tons of guys better than me in bed. But it’s more of an emotional thing – like women think that just because I talk to them, I want to get involved with them. I’m single and that’s how it’s gonna stay for awhile. Sorry to let you down haha.
- You’re funny…I bet you get a lot of attention for your But that’s not even half the story is it? I bet you have some stories. You look like you’ve traveled, or have stories…you’re ALMOST intimidating…if you weren’t so interesting. I bet you eat men up and now you’re spoiled. I think it’s cute.
- So besides being talented in the ways of the Geisha…do you know your cardinal directions? That’d actually impress me. What I actually noticed about you first was the way you dress – you’re well put-together. Classy, but a little sexy mixed You have a great sense of style. I gotta take you shopping. And don’t try to rape me in the dressing room.
The Connoisseur (NDR)
- It’s hard for me to date because I end up not liking most I make friends pretty easy, but when it comes to getting physical, I’m kind of snooty. It’s funny because I’ve actually had people ask me if I’m a player and I’m like “No” and they’re like “Yyyea” but then I’m like, “ Um, seriously. I’m not. I wish I was.” It would be easier if I was just another dude who was happy with anything as long as it’s female.
- I think the first thing that attracted me to you was your appearance – not your body, but like…your You walk around like your above it all. But I have this feeling that once you let your guard down I’m gonna see your inner dork. You actually remind me of a good friend I have – how he was when I first met him. Only you’re a girl…and I’m glad haha.
- I can tell you’re not just a silly girl waiting to get swept I bet you have some area of expertise that no guy can even hang with. What is it? (whatever she says) – That’s so cool. I love it when a woman knows something. You’d be surprised the kind of lame ass shit guys put up with. I know it goes both ways – that’s why I’m glad we are different.
The Modern Woman (NJR)
- It’s tough for me seeing so many marriages fail. That’s why I only look for chemistry and it doesn’t matter who it is – I love women who are different, or similar in terms of interests or demographic or whatever – because none of htat matters – it’s all about: do I like this woman as a person and can I actually be friends with her regardless of what happens physically?
- It’s so rare to meet a girl who is actually smart on your I love it. We have to be careful not to get into any political religious debates though. Let’s agree to disagree pre-emptively. I’m kidding, we can talk about whatever – I’m glad I met you. You think…and that’s so sexy in a woman.
- I can’t believe I found a woman that actually knows how to do things like cook and find her way around town and (a skill she’s told you about ). I’m definitely digging that about you. Most women coast on their looks but there’s a lot of cute girls, just like guys I’m sure. That’s why I like you – you are different and I can actually talk to you and do fun stuff with you